16. Ow ... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey...Who are you?

15. I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for you and my vibrator.

14. I've got this disease... It's called herpigonosyphalaids. very contagious.

13. You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me either.

12. We're just so different you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive psychopath.

11. You've gone from "sponge-worthy" to merely "spongy".

10. Dear Christine: By the time you read this, I will be a woman.

9. I have early-onset onanism.

8. You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.

7. My penis,uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah...on the subway I think.

6. "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you are anymore.

5. My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.

4. It's not you, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.

3. I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose.

2. We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see you're severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.

1. I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.