THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO GREAT BRITAIN

Mirror, Nov 17 2003 That's this itty bitty country due east of the States where folks talk kinda weird, Mr President

1, LONDON is the capital of the UK which is an independent country and not your 51st State.

2, OUR Sovereign is Queen Elizabeth II (that's pronounced second not eleven). You must not put your arm around her and call her "honey" or "l'il lady". She is to be addressed as "Your Majesty" or "Ma'am" at all times.

3, HER eldest son is called Prince Charles not "Chuck". Don't talk to him about butlers, valets or ask him if he's seen any good videos.

4, WHEN you sit down to a state banquet you use the cutlery starting from the outside. Big Mac and fries won't be on the menu.

5, THE RAF won the Battle of Britain not Tom Cruise or Bruce Willis.

6, WE live in a democracy and as such have the right to demonstrate so if your route is lined with thousands of anti-war protesters, don't ask for them to be extradited to Camp X-ray.

7, WE say trousers not pants - unless of course we are referring to your foreign policy.

8, WILLIAM Shakespeare, our greatest playwright, wrote Romeo and Juliet, not Zefferelli. Don't ask to meet Will - he's dead.

9, BE sure to register for the congestion charge when your motorcade drives through London or mayor Ken Livingstone will hit you with a ?0 fine for every car.

10, WE put milk in our tea, not ice, have toast not waffles for breakfast and walk on the pavement not the sidewalk.

Have a nice day...not!