Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time...- Ellen DeGeneres

Did you know that babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?- Jeff Foxworthy

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.-Larry the Cable Guy

How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.-Emo Philips

Garbagemen come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again.-Dave Attel

I will clean house when Sears makes a vacuum cleaner you can ride on.-Roseanne

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.-Conan O'Brien

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed-Mitch Hedberg

You know, marriege is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.-Bob Hope

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl as the counter saud, "Would you like fries with that?"-Jay Leno

I constantly walik into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.-Caroline Rhea

Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?-George Carlin.