These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website.

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A. We import all plants fully grown and then sit around watching them die.

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A. Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail road tracks? (Sweden) A. Sure. It's only three thousand miles so take lots of water.

Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q. Which direction is north in Australia? (USA) A. Face south and turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the instructions.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A. A-U-S-T-R-I-A is the quaint little country bordering G-E-R-M-A-N-Y, which is...oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A. Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A. Only at Christmas.

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A. No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake venom. (USA) A. Rattlesnakes live in A-M-E-R-I-C-A, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.